Bestselling author Joe Konrath goes on a beer fast for thirty days to lose weight.

Thursday, January 12, 2012

Day 11

I'm not dead yet.

Hurray.

Got up at 5am. Been getting up at 5am a lot. Could be the diet. Could be that my house is buried over an ancient Indian burial ground and the ghosts of the massacred dead are waking me to kill my family.

I think it is the former, though I am a bit confused about why I wake up clutching a fire ax.

I began the day with a 22oz Lindeman's Kriek Lambic. Lots of cherry goodness. I managed to stick my tongue three inches into the bottleneck to get out some of the residue, which should qualify me for porn star status in productions directed by women.

Are there any porn productions directed by women? That would be hot.

Then I went to my DC, who got my blood test results.

Nothing too horrible. My uric acid is high. My iron is high. My cholesterol went up to 153.

After working out for a solid 45 minutes and telling my trainer I'd rather tweeze my entire scrotum than finish the workout (and that's quite a job--it looks like my boys are wearing a wig), I went to see her mentor, a personal trainer and nutritionist, who spent twenty minutes telling me in excruciating detail what a terrible idea this diet is and why I'm probably the biggest moron on the planet for even attempting something so stupid. He was smart, articulate, and made perfect sense, which makes me regret not talking to him 11 days ago.

Also, he never really  called me a moron. He was extremely congenial and polite and helpful and totally cool. That naturally made me want to crawl into a corner and bawl my eyes out, which I couldn't do because of the omnipresent dehydration.

Or maybe that's just the muscle atrophy talking.

He also advised against switching the diet from beer to cocaine, to my dismay.

Then I went home and quickly had a Leinenkugel Big Eddy Russian Imperial Stout (9% abv) and a 2010 Founder's Nemesis Barelywine (12% abv) and felt a whole lot better for some reason.

Right now, I'm blogging. Which you should have guessed, because you're reading this.

I weigh 248. I've lost 15 pounds, but that probably has been water, bone, muscle, and brain cells. As soon as I eat a Saltine I'll gain it all back, plus ten more pounds, immediately. Then every kitty on the planet will explode.

Note to self: stop talking to people who know this diet is a bad idea.

For the remainder of the evening, I'm going to make sweet love to the wife. Then I'll wake her up and we'll watch a movie.

I'm shooting hours of irreverent, and sometimes reverent, video, and I'm looking for a professional editor. If anyone reading this is a professional video editor, or knows one, get in touch with me. Extra consideration given if by using pure editing skill they can make me look like Brad Pitt.

Thanks to all reading  for following my progress so far.

Stool report: Like a fart, but wetter and browner.

15 comments:

  1. Apparently the weight-loss breakdown goes something like this:
    -2 pounds of water/muscle
    -3 pounds of common sense
    -10 pounds of inhibition
    --------------------------
    -15 Total pounds of Joe-ness gone but not forgotten

    But all in all it's a good thing. ~Rocky

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  2. That's insane, Rocky. I never had any inhibition to lose.

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  3. Dear Mr. Konrath,
    Femme produced porn? Try http://www.candidaroyalle.com/
    Not sure if they're hiring. Also not sure why anyone would pick Vaginal Funghi for a first name. But that's the porn biz, I guess.

    Good luck with continued shedding. I appreciate the beer tips, albeit my hubby less so.

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  4. Glad to see the beer goggles haven't eaten your head, Joe.

    TK Kenyon

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  5. I'm surprised more of your labs weren't out of whack. I'm sure they did a CBC and a comprehensive metabolic panel, eh? What were those numbers like?

    Anyway, I think you should listen to the nutritionist. Since you KNOW this isn't going to be an effective weight loss method, I really don't even see the point. At all.

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  6. J wilson, on a similar beeronlydiet "After two weeks he developed hyperkalemia, or elevated potassium, a potentially dangerous condition for the heart, and increased creatine levels, which indicated that his body was burning protein." I see you have a chiropractor who's overseeing you medically, not an MD. Just take care Joe.

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  7. Who cares what the point is, it's brilliant! Way to go Joe! I am going to pass on the blog address to all of my drinking buddies, I know they will love it. Hang in there and keep up the good work. Also have you thought of a title for the documentary yet?

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  8. With the level of dehydration you are reporting I'm amazed you can keep it up. Freeze the tweez as the last wouldn't stand a chance otherwise. It's good to hear your wife is still sleeping soundly.
    Lambic sounds wild! You have my full attention. Dog Be With You!

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  9. Re: Video Editing

    If you are serious about needing a video editor: Spiraling Up Video Productions

    One of the owners travels with bands such as The Eagles, Linkin Park, etc, handling their video for stage shows and the like. I've been friends with these folks for years, so if you want me to introduce you to the them directly drop me a line and I'll be happy to do so.

    mrsellars@sbcglobal.net

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  10. Yep. There's Erica Lust. Brilliant film-maker. The stuff that's made for men doesn't compare.

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  11. Who knew beer could raise your cholesterol?

    Glad your labs weren't too crazy. 19 more days, huh?

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  12. ha! just found this...

    I knew you had some fatal flaw Joe Konrath. I hope you've signed everything over to wifey, you could go any day on a beer diet.

    I'm also dieting, trying to go from 178 down to about 154 so I can compete at some stair climbing races across Asia this year.

    My diet is different, though I do have the occasional Beer Singha or Leo for dinner along with my dragon fruit.

    I wake up and have half my usual muesli cereal with soy milk deal, plus black coffee. Instant Nescafe type black coffee.

    Lunch is usually 2 dragon fruit. If you don't know this one - run to the Asian market and grab yourself a bag full. It will cost you more than the money you made in the last 3 weeks on ebooks, but, dragon fruit are the secret fat burners - and you can't do without them.

    Dinner is usually a dragon fruit, apple, maybe some stir fried veggies - no rice.

    That's about it.

    So far in 10 days I've lost considerably, but haven't checked the scale yet because I know I'm not 'there yet'.

    Oh, and add to this - 3-10 km walks around the park, or 1,256 step climbs up the side of a mountain at the local Buddhist temple.

    You're more than welcome to join me over here Joe. Thailand has a great atmosphere for writing books... doesn't help me write any better, but MORE? Yeah, definitely.

    Cheers,

    MF

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  13. The cholesterol thing is odd. Cholesterol only comes from animal products, except for what your body makes naturally. Since beer doesn't have any, you're just making more for some reason, or something? Weird.

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  14. The cholesterol in food does not cause your blood cholesterol to go up. This is one of those "makes sense, no need to research it" things that came out in the 80s that has since been disproven but food manufacturers still advertise as if it were true.

    The things that do raise blood cholesterol are carbohydrates and saturated fat. Could be the carbs in the beer, a reaction to the weight loss, or maybe the first reading was artificially low (since you did only one before the diet there is no way to know if it was an outlier or not).

    Anyhoodle, interesting experiment to watch. :)

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  15. Dang and yuck. I'm going to assume that either this is fake, you aren't married, or your wife hates you. If she hates you, we could really use a tree sitter (I live in Berkeley) and I'm happy to feed a guest.

    Have you considered pumping? I just read that men *can* breastfeed (google Sri Lanka). I lost 80lbs feeding my youngest. If you want money *and fame*, you could sell your man milk-- add extra value via cheese or ice cream production.

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