Bestselling author Joe Konrath goes on a beer fast for thirty days to lose weight.

Sunday, January 22, 2012

Day 20

Worked out, and my trainer Maureen kicked my ass. (BTW, if you want a terrific, affordable trainer in the Northwest suburbs of Chicago, contact her at Jointhemaureencore@gmail.com.)

After the workout, I was sore. Sore, and hungry. I went to the grocery store and picked up some unflavored gelatin (5 calories, no discernible protein, carbs, fat, vitamins, or minerals) to make some beer Jell-O.

Yes, it sounds gross. But I gotta eat something or I'm going to claw my face off. Twenty days without food is unnatural. I also made some beer popsicles. I'll eat them tomorrow and see how terrible they are.

We're still shooting a lot of video, but I haven't posted anything recently because I don't have time to edit. I'm swamped with writing, and need to finish this book I'm working on.

A few editors have contacted me. I pay well, with a profit-sharing option if this documentary turns out to be salable. If you're a video editor and you want to throw your hat into the ring, contact me.

Physically, besides the hunger, I feel fine. No more kidney pain. No warning signals from my body. I'm sleeping well. Low energy, obviously, but nothing seems wrong or off.

Mentally, I'm alert and focused.

Emotionally, I'm hating myself for thinking up this insane idea. This is both the hardest, and the stupidest, thing I've ever done. I'm also a little discouraged. I've lost over 22 pounds so far, and I can see and feel a difference (finally wearing jeans with a 38 waist again, down from 40.) But I still have a lot of weight to lose. This was no quick fix. Every pound is a battle, and even if I lose 30 pounds on this diet like I hope, I still have at least 30 to go.

So in February, I'm thinking about doing another 30 day diet. Some ideas include:

The 30 Day Cracker Diet. One Saltine cracker per day, plus a Ritz on Sundays. I can also snack on one Goldfish every other day.

The 30 Day Hollywood Starlet Diet. Lose weight like the supermodels do, with laxatives and barfing.

The 30 Day Lap Dance Diet. Eat normally and go to a strip club every night. Probably won't lose weight. Probably won't care.

The 30 Day Dr. Seuss Diet. I will only eat foods that rhyme. Just as green bean, chip dip, and cat in the hat.

The 30 Day Meth Diet. We all know you don't need food when enjoying the laid-back experience that is meth amphetamines.

The 30 Day Caveman Diet. I will kill and eat a caveman.

The 30 Day Time Travel Diet. I use my time machine to visit years past and slap my younger self in the face every time I eat a Twinkie.

The 30 Day Human Centipede Diet. Guaranteed weight loss, but the food tastes like shit.

 The 30 Day Eat Less and Exercise Diet. Right. As if dumb fad diets like this actually work.

The 30 Day Federal Diet. I eat the Bundestag in Germany. (My guess is .2% of readers will get that joke. For the rest of you there is Wikipedia.)

The 30 Day Jersey Shore Diet. I force myself to watch Jersey Shore for a month, and the nausea makes it impossible to hold down food.

The Other 30 Day Cracker Diet. I will kill and eat a white guy.

The 30 Day Twitter Diet. Make your own joke here.

How about you guys? Any votes for what diet I should do next?

69 comments:

  1. That No S Diet (nosdiet.com) Diane Darcy recommend in comments to your last post sounds reasonable. Beer isn't off limits. In fact, most food isn't off limits. I don't know how much weight you'd actually using it, though.

    But after all the beers you've been recommending here, I might try the beer diet myself. Maybe the beer and bread diet. That would be good.

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  2. You could try the 29 Day No Beer Diet.

    Along with no beer (or any kind of alcohol), I'll be following the Fit for Life eating plan. I read the book back in the eighties, and it has always made more sense to me than any other diet. The book is full of theory and then recipes, but the actual plan is very simple. You eat nothing but fruit for your first meal of the day, and then your other meals are "properly combined." Basically, you don't eat starches and proteins together. If you have a steak, eat it with a salad instead of a baked potato. If you have a baked potato, eat it with a salad and a side of steamed broccoli instead of a pork chop. You can eat whatever you want as long as it's properly combined (meat sandwiches are out, but you can have a veggie sandwich--lettuce and tomatoes and cucumbers or whatever) and as long as you don't overeat. You listen to your body, and when your stomach feels full you stop eating. Very healthy, and you don't go hungry.

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    1. Oh, I tried Fit for Life. I didn't lose any weight, and my blood sugar soared in the morning with all that fruit. But other than that, it was pretty yummy.

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    2. I'm not diabetic, and neither is Joe. Since you are, of course you should consult your physician about any change in diet.

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  3. At this point we can go from unusual to cruel. Once you're done with 30 days of beer, you can replenish your body with 30 days of hard core vegan. Oh and on the bright side, 40 days from now: You will never be so glad to eat an half ass cooked -Redacted-! (Sorry, it just seems cruel to name food types right now) BTW, keep those newbie's guide posts comming!

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  4. Sorry I was so strident last night; I worry about the world losing a great writer.

    I’m no expert on weight loss; see someone who is, not necessarily a medical doctor. I’ve got a low opinion of some of those.

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  5. How about the 30 day Twilight Diet? You consume only the blood of animals you can catch in the forest. Oh, and the blood of waify teenagers you plan to marry and impregnate...

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  6. Roadkill diet. Eat whatever you find. Or whatever you can run over. Opens up the possibilities.

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  7. How about the 30 Day Green Diet? You only eat foods that are green. Lettuce, Granny Smith apples, mint chocolate chip ice cream, bologna that's been sitting in the sun for a few weeks, etc. If you aren't a fan of the color green, feel free to substitute your favorite color.

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  8. Easy: the Rocky Balboa diet -- five raw eggs every morning (you could drink Egg Beaters instead, they're pasteurized), then you run up the steps of the building in Philli, and since you're near Chicago, that should be a decent run.

    Seriously though: Eat lean protein and vegetables during the day. Drink as close to a gallon of water per day as possible. If you're working out, it shouldn't be that difficult.

    Exercise: a 5-minute warm-up and a light stretch, then go lift weights (I like 1 body part per day as a training split, lifting 5 days a week), then go do cardio (never the other way around; you want the weightlifting to use up the glycogen in your muscles so that cardio puts you in fat-burning mode more quickly).

    If you REALLY REALLY REAAAAALLLLLY want results, and you SAY you do, get up in the morning and do a 40-minute cardio session, such as a light jog, a 5k on a treadmill, etc. before breakfast.

    Then eat, write, write, write, eat, repeat.

    Then in the afternoon/early evening, go hit the weights and do a bit more cardio.

    Don't eat any sugar (want to look like Mathew McCaughnaheyheyhey? This is one of his secrets). Some fruit is okay. Watch your sodium. No frozen lasagne or Ramen or salami (remember, I said lean meat).

    When you feel like you're going to die and need some carbs, have a cup of brown rice with 1 meal, but keep the carbs to a minimum -- the better you stick to this, the more weight you will lose. (This is the diet Hugh Jackman uses to get fit for his roles as Wolverine and Real Steel sexy abs man).

    And keep alcohol to a minimum -- it's sugar. A beer on Friday night if you've gotten your workouts in all week. (This is one of Jessica Alba's tricks -- one glass of white wine once per week, 2 cubes of dark chocolate for dessert.)

    But remember, diet is 80% of it. People spend an hour in the gym 3 times a week and think they're all set. That's 3 hours out of 168. What are they doing for the other 165 hours of the week? Eating garbage and sitting on their asses.

    A fit, sexy body is like anything else: you have to EARN it. Put your time in. Think about it; make it important to you. How do you write so many books, Joe? They sure as shishkabob don't write themselves. Those fat cells you're not so fond of aren't going to melt themselves. Like Mills Lane used to say, pin your ears back and get it done!

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    1. You lost him at no beer. Me too. End of story.

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  9. I would suggest Keto and the switch to Paleo diet once you get to your target weight. It's eating a lot of bacon and steak, but you have to give up beer(you can switch to whiskey until then). I think once you reach your target weight, you can reward yourself with a cheat day. That said, getting there is much harder than staying there.

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  10. Congratulations on making it to 20 days. Impressive willpower.

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  11. Shameless plug for my book: Gym-Free and Ripped

    Lots of discussion and details on living a balanced life, getting fit, staying that way and giving up "diets" in general. I also bust a lot of myths (empty stomach cardio, stretching before training, carbs being bad, etc.)

    A diet doesn't work, a change in your lifestyle does. Happy to send you a copy if you want one, Joe.

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  12. I'm kind of wondering how those beer popsicles will turn out. Makes me think of freeze distillation...

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  13. Methinks you lost another day. If Friday was Day 19, then Sunday has to be Day 21, not Day 20.

    I suggest you try a Vegan diet next. Vegan food is quite tasty, particularly when accompanied by a thick ribeye grilled medium rare.

    Whateve you do, don't try the sleeping pill / laxative diet. Very bad consequences. Aarrgh!

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  14. Try the Homer Simpson diet: "Just say D'oh!"

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  15. Carbs are bad and low carb diets do work. After four days the bad taste in your mouth goes away. Laxatives are dangerous if done for too long, kinda like a beer diet. Good luck.

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  16. Definitely Ryne's suggestion--the Roadkill Diet. That opens up endless possibilities. You might even come across one of those mysterious, odd shoes so often spotted on the open road. Soup base for sure.

    What really matters is that you take care of yourself.

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  17. Good luck, Joe. Glad you're feeling okay.

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  18. The Time Travel Diet seems like the best plan, honestly. And the now-you will get a workout at the same time you're denying the younger-you his twinkie! Win/win!

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  19. I am the .2%. (Swedish reader btw...)

    The 30 day Read it out aloud and understand it. Read the ingredients on the packet before you eat it, out and aloud, if you don't understand what it is you look it up on pubmed and or wikipedia. Should make you turn away from most foods. :)

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  20. You could try the Health At Every Size diet. http://www.haescommunity.org/

    Or if you really can't stomach that, try having a look at 180-Degree Health, which emphasizes raising your metabolism to achieve health and weight loss, rather than killing your metabolism with diets. http://180degreehealth.com/about-180-degree-health

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  21. is Maureen by any chance an ALF core trainer or a certified trainer. Sometimes insurance will pay if so.

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  22. Impressive! I dont think you should do another diet. Make some changes to your lifestyle and stick with them. Sorry to say, but cutting back on brewskis may have to be one of them.

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  23. Jesus. I feel hungry just reading this. Off to get a bowl of cereal now. I love cereal.

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  24. I think you are in desperate need of my new Kindle book, Weight Loss for Wimps... I know you are a bit Wimpy and this will be the cure!

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  25. Since you seem interested in somewhat extreme diets, I say you take couple of weeks after this diet is over and just eat and get back to normal. Then do a 30 day veggie/green drink fast like that dude did in Fat Sick and Nearly Dead. That would probably do the trick.

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  26. Dude, I think after reading all the comments on this blog you will want to go an an advice diet. ~R

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  27. I can't argue with that response, Rocky Cole - however, I still stick by my encouragement for him to attempt the Time Travel diet.

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  28. Many years ago I attended a meeting of the Golden Triangle Writers' Guild in Beaumont, Texas. I was a more than a little amused to find a display (behind glass walls) of Texas Roadkill prominently displayed in the Beaumont Airport.

    If you do decide to go on a roadkill diet, I can provide you with several recipes for Roadkill Chili. Some of them even include beer as one of the ingredients.

    Wouldn't a big bowl of chili taste good now? Check out the recipe in my ebook "A Pot of Texas Red." The same recipe is in my ebook "Mexican Cuisine for American Cooks."

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  29. How about hiking 30 days worth of the PCT. You'd get tons of exercise and could only eat what you could carry, or kill. This has the potental to combine both cracker diets.

    So glad you're feeling alright.

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  30. I think you have already answered this question.
    The 30 day bacon diet
    That will slam you into some serious ketosis and even though you are eating heavy saturates you will still have excellent blood work.

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  31. The 30 Day Digital Diet: all the bytes you can eat.

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  32. So where are you, Joe? You go on a risky diet and then we don't hear from you? Gettin' worried here!

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    1. It's been two days since your last post. I'm worried too now!

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  33. I think Joe has started eating his blog posts...

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  34. Federal Diet cracked me up. I must be the .2% that Occupy Wall Street is so angry about.

    How about the 30 Day Worry Diet? You go 30 days without worrying about your weight. If it works, continue it indefinitely. Most people can't hack it though: it requires a ton of commitment.

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  35. Try an all beef diet for 30 days. You will be amazed. Besides losing weight you will also feel fabulous. No more aches and pains. Check out http://www.zeroinginonhealth.com/

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  36. Yeah...no updates in 3 days...is a bit worrisome.

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  37. Don't think the RIP posts are funny. Just sayin' Plus Joe did his usual Newbie Blog yesterday, I think.

    Stay well, Joe

    EC Sheedy

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  38. Just try the Gabriel Method (http://www.thegabrielmethod.com). That's what I'm going to do. No more dieting for me!

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  39. Discouraged?? 22 Pounds in 20 days sounds like a success to me. *Shrug*.

    Next, I vote you try the 30 Day Donner Party Diet: Only eat people you know.

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  40. You might want to try the potato diet. This guy had weight loss along with serious improvements in his blood pressure and cholesterol and related blood levels after doing this diet for 60 days. http://20potatoesaday.com/ I personally like Dr. Kempner's rice diet (he's passed away, and most info online isn't as hardcore as what he prescribed at Duke U earlier last century but you might be able to figure out a rice diet together based on his research articles which are online). Good luck!

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  41. What about the "Coma Diet" where you're induced and sleep blissfully while time does the work? You'll wake up refreshed and thinner!

    I lost a pound a day on a "Tunafish and water" diet. Total of 50 lbs. I don't recommend it though. Weight watchers is working for me now. 10Lbs since Jan 1.

    Stay healthy, love the blog.

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  42. Getting a bit worried now. I hope you're OK Joe.

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  43. My guess is that Joe has decided to bail on this insanity and he's just waiting to let us all know. No worries, Joe. I still think what you've accomplished is amazing and a true testament to your resolve and commitment. Oh, and I love the idea of turning your footage into a documentary. Should be awesome!

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  44. I'm internet worried which means I've come out of lurk mode. Joe where are you?

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  45. 24-Hour Sudafed, once a day. Seriously, dude, it totally cuts your appetite to nothing. You'll love it. (Physician desktop reference verifies that Sudafed can cause anorexia--) You have to buy the real stuff from the back of pharmacy.

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  46. RIP.

    PLEASE, STAY SAFE (all the living).

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  47. This is Joe's way of seeing who is rooting for him and who isn't. Hang in there bud, I'm rooting for you.

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  48. Clicking in everyday for an update and there is none.
    Are you OK?
    (even just comment, "ok but busy" etc.)

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  49. My offer still stands, or hell, just read this:

    http://www.precisionnutrition.com/10-lessons-for-2012

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  50. Personally I hope you fell into a bowl of chicken soup, Joe, and can't get out.

    Hoping you're well and just trying to drive the followers of your beer odyssey crazy by going dark. (Can you spell success? :-)

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  51. Joe, can you just wave from your porch and let us know all is ok?

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  52. I should mention too, we have five family members using the same computer, and they are all concerned as you initially said you'd post twice a day and now nothing for a time. We understand being busy. But also ... Just let us know you are ok, ok?

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  53. Joe... where are you? I like you... I'm sorry I yelled at you, but I thought you were hurting yourself! You're kind of like my stepson, and I've helped him as well.

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  54. he updated his twitter yesterday (1/25)...Joe?! If there's The Top of the Hops Beer Festival is this weekend in Biloxi, Mississippi!! come on over!!! They're giving each patron a commemorative tasting mug and you get to sample over 150 craft beers from all over the world! There are seminars and games and everything...

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  55. So, when is the viewing?

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  56. Honey is good, Joe. Consider the honey diet next time. I think it's called the "Bee Healthy, Eat Your Honey" diet.

    Oh...and after this Beer Diet, gobble up a big ole' sack of White Castles. It'll clean ya out but good! You'll feel like a new man! (Heck...that's not lunch, that's a colonoscopy prep!)

    Cheers!

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  57. Hope Everything is OK! Been Following Daily! GOOD LUCK! -Harry-

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  58. Someone already mentioned it, but Fat, Sick and Nearly Dead. See the movie. Basically Joe Cross did fruit/vegetable juice (homemade using a juicer) for 60 days. He had great results including weight loss and getting off medications he was on for a chronic skin/autoimmune disorder. More impressive to me was the truck driver Joe met on the road, who Joe helped. By using the same principles he lost 29 lbs in 10 days, by the end of the movie down 202 pounds from 429 initially. The guy completely turned his life around, it was very inspiring to me. I don't need to lose weight, but I am thinking about a 10 day juice fast to cleanse/detoxify.

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  59. He's probably gone off on a binge...

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  60. Good Grief! I hope you were kidding about trying another diet in February. Hard as its been, 22 lbs in less than one month is pretty damn awesome. Give the old bod a rest! Then you'll be fully prepared to take on the Vodka Diet in March.

    You're Welcome, JA Konrath's Liver. I got your back.

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